i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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