There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
