Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
