she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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