I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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