There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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