This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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