What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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