I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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