a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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