Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
