I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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