Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
