He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
