WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
