I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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