My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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