It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
