I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
