do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
