I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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