At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
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I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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