Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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