You really coming over, don't trick.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
