i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
