I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
