you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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