Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
