Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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