Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
