Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
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I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
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Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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