My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
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Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
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Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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