I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
