I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Im part way to drunk.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
