I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
