It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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