I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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