Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize