I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
