You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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