as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
