Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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