My Higher Power is John Stamos
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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