atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
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Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
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Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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