Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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