Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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