he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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