In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
