I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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