DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Is Oprah even human
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
