I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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