Just took my morning after pill in the library
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
