I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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