how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The ass gains better be worth it
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