You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
