The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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