the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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