apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
